Happy 4th Birthday, Noah!

The goodness of the LORD

A few months ago, a friend asked me to share some of my thoughts on grief. She had been asked to prepare a lesson plan on the subject as she interviewed for a job as a high school Bible teacher. Most of the following is from our email conversation but it also represents much of what is swirling around in my head and heart as we mark the third anniversary of saying goodbye to Noah.

(It is probably worth noting that I have been wrestling with the wording of this entire post ALL night long... it is a disjointed and imperfect representation of my thoughts but it is my attempt to honor Noah's life and all the lessons he taught me.)

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I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:13-14

It may sound strange but God convinced me of His goodness in the midst of Noah's short time with us. It is hard, or even impossible, to call Noah's diagnosis 'good'... but there was SO much good that we saw during his life. From the joy that he brought us to the impact he had on others to the way we saw God's hand provide in so many tangible ways as we walked through a dark, dark valley.

And, amazingly, it was in the valley where I discovered everything that God had done in my life up until Noah was born was to prepare me for the journey of his next 364 days. Youth group, college Bible study, His Life, church, late night conversations about theology, volunteering with youth ministry, Damascus Road, mission trips... I could go on and on and on. It was those faith building experiences, those opportunities to learn about the character of God, those moments where I wrestled with what I believed that gave me a faith and a confidence in the Lord during the hardest time of my life. As it says in Esther, "For such a time as this."

Josh and I walked the days of Noah's life holding tight the simplest of truths: God is good. God is love. God loves Noah. God loves us. God will provide.

By no means did this make our journey with Noah easy or prevent my heart from being broken in two when I had to say goodbye to him, but it allowed our marriage to withstand the weight of our loss and for both Josh and I to emerge with a strengthened faith rather than a wrecked one. And it allowed me to trust God enough to let another sweet baby into my life to love.

Our new blog

We were in need of a new start... so here it is:
Grace and Peace

Missing Noah in pictures, part 10

I'm missing my little guy a lot tonight...

Memory Card

When Noah was first diagnosed, we distributed prayer cards with his adorable face to remind people to pray for healing and to share his story. An image of this prayer card eventually found its way on to the side bar of my blog and many others. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to visit the blogs of friends and strangers and find Noah's goofy little smile gracing those sites.

Jodie Allen designed those amazing prayer cards and has repeated her kindness to me by designing a memory card now that Noah is gone.  We both wanted a card that captured Noah's spirit and life... something that was joyful and not sad.  I think we were successful.  

So, my friends in the blog-o-sphere... if you would like to replace the prayer card button on your blogs with this memory card, please feel welcome to do so.  It eases the ache in my heart a little to know that others will help me preserve the memory of our sweet little boy.

Missing Noah in pictures...part 9

Doesn't he just make your heart melt?  

Noah lost the ability to smile in the last few months of his life, so each picture I have of him grinning has a special place in my heart.  

I miss him more today than yesterday.