Happy 4th Birthday, Noah!

The goodness of the LORD

A few months ago, a friend asked me to share some of my thoughts on grief. She had been asked to prepare a lesson plan on the subject as she interviewed for a job as a high school Bible teacher. Most of the following is from our email conversation but it also represents much of what is swirling around in my head and heart as we mark the third anniversary of saying goodbye to Noah.

(It is probably worth noting that I have been wrestling with the wording of this entire post ALL night long... it is a disjointed and imperfect representation of my thoughts but it is my attempt to honor Noah's life and all the lessons he taught me.)

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I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:13-14

It may sound strange but God convinced me of His goodness in the midst of Noah's short time with us. It is hard, or even impossible, to call Noah's diagnosis 'good'... but there was SO much good that we saw during his life. From the joy that he brought us to the impact he had on others to the way we saw God's hand provide in so many tangible ways as we walked through a dark, dark valley.

And, amazingly, it was in the valley where I discovered everything that God had done in my life up until Noah was born was to prepare me for the journey of his next 364 days. Youth group, college Bible study, His Life, church, late night conversations about theology, volunteering with youth ministry, Damascus Road, mission trips... I could go on and on and on. It was those faith building experiences, those opportunities to learn about the character of God, those moments where I wrestled with what I believed that gave me a faith and a confidence in the Lord during the hardest time of my life. As it says in Esther, "For such a time as this."

Josh and I walked the days of Noah's life holding tight the simplest of truths: God is good. God is love. God loves Noah. God loves us. God will provide.

By no means did this make our journey with Noah easy or prevent my heart from being broken in two when I had to say goodbye to him, but it allowed our marriage to withstand the weight of our loss and for both Josh and I to emerge with a strengthened faith rather than a wrecked one. And it allowed me to trust God enough to let another sweet baby into my life to love.

Our new blog

We were in need of a new start... so here it is:
Grace and Peace

Missing Noah in pictures, part 10

I'm missing my little guy a lot tonight...

Memory Card

When Noah was first diagnosed, we distributed prayer cards with his adorable face to remind people to pray for healing and to share his story. An image of this prayer card eventually found its way on to the side bar of my blog and many others. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to visit the blogs of friends and strangers and find Noah's goofy little smile gracing those sites.

Jodie Allen designed those amazing prayer cards and has repeated her kindness to me by designing a memory card now that Noah is gone.  We both wanted a card that captured Noah's spirit and life... something that was joyful and not sad.  I think we were successful.  

So, my friends in the blog-o-sphere... if you would like to replace the prayer card button on your blogs with this memory card, please feel welcome to do so.  It eases the ache in my heart a little to know that others will help me preserve the memory of our sweet little boy.

Missing Noah in pictures...part 9

Doesn't he just make your heart melt?  

Noah lost the ability to smile in the last few months of his life, so each picture I have of him grinning has a special place in my heart.  

I miss him more today than yesterday.

Missing Noah in pictures...part 8

Missing Noah in pictures...part 7

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

As some of you know, we had a photographer come and take pictures of our family on the day we took Noah off of the ventilator.  This service was provided free of charge through an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and an amazing photographer named Monica Carroll.

This organization matches families experiencing the loss or anticipated loss of an unborn or newborn child with a professional photographer. The photographs are a great source of comfort and healing for the families in the weeks and months following their overwhelming loss.

NILMDTS is having their annual fund drive.... please read the information below if you are interested in making a donation.

With the Month of October being recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, The Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation holds its Annual Fund Drive for six weeks starting in mid-September and ending in October. It is our hope that those in a place to make even a small contribution to NILMDTS will consider doing so allowing the organization to provide adequate resources, training, communication and tools necessary in support our amazing contingent of professional photographers who provide the gift of free remembrance portraiture to families in need.

Your donations help the organization in many ways -

• By supporting the continued education of our volunteer photographers
  
• By allowing us to further our outreach to hospitals and hospices across the world
  
• By offsetting the costs associated with outreach efforts including Formal NILMDTS Training Seminars
  
• By supporting the Family Forum which creates a productive and supportive haven for healing
  
• By supporting the Photographers' Forum which provides a helpful environment for our member photographers to express their feelings and receive advice on the various issues that they face in this noble work
  
• By supporting the day to day operations of our Headquarters Offices
  

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is recognized as an IRS 501(c)3 charitable organization (Tax ID#77-0656322) and your donations are always entirely tax deductible. When you donate, you will receive a thank you card that serves as your receipt as well as an enclosed card you may to send to the family of whomever you made the donation in memory of.

With an average of 2-million hits per month on our web site, imagine if everyone contributed just $5 to the organization!

Your donation truly will make a significant difference in the continued success of NILMDTS.

There are several ways that you can donate to NILMDTS today.

The first and easiest is to donate through our secure website by clicking here. NILMDTS is run 100% on donations and we truly could not provide the support necessary to our photographer volunteers without the kind generosity of donors like you.

You can also pledge your support through iGive.com, an online shopping portal where a portion of all supported purchases you make online are automatically donated to NILMDTS.
Click here for more information and to register!

You may also send a check to our mailing address:

NILMDTS Annual Fund Drive

7800 S. Elati St. #111

Littleton, CO 80120

Sleep

Sleep has become increasingly hard for me since we lost Noah.

Once I fall asleep, I am usually okay... but falling asleep is the challenge.  My brain simply won't turn off.

My thoughts inevitably turn to Noah and that usually brings on waves of sadness that don't help matters much.  

Tonight, my sleeping issues are compounded by a nasty cold that snuck up on me yesterday.  So, now I sit in the living room at 2am, battling an alternating runny then stuffed nose as well as the aching of my heart. 

Missing Noah in pictures...part 6

Not one of Noah's happier moments...but he was still cute even as he cried.  This picture was taken after a 4 hour drive from St. Louis to Louisville to watch an UMSL match.  I'm pretty sure he was thinking, "Mom, this was not such a great idea."

 

Love to CYC

In the aftermath of losing Noah, I have become an organizational mess.  I suppose this isn't too surprising, but I am frustrated with it nonetheless.  We have received countless cards and donations, both to the Rise School in Noah's name and to us personally. I have started and lost many lists trying to keep track of our generous friends and family... I am still hoping to compile a list and send personal thanks to as many people as I can, but am worried about missing someone.  

There are several groups of people who we love dearly and I want to recognize them on the blog in case my efforts fail at reaching them individually.

One of the hardest parts about leaving St. Louis was leaving St. Louis CYC.  Josh had been coaching club volleyball for CYC long before we met and it was very important to him.  The coaches, players, and parents became like family to both of us... we celebrated our marriage surrounded by members of the club and they helped us welcome Noah into the world.  

CYC has continued to love us as we grieve over Noah's death.  The money sent to us by those affiliated with the club easily covered our hotel and food expenses while Noah was hospitalized and made a dent in the medical expenses as well.  We continue to feel loved and encouraged by our CYC family and are humbled by their care for us.

Please share our gratitude with those who may not follow the blog.

There is a reason

What my head believes and my heart clings to...

Missing Noah in pictures...part 5

Only me on my knees 

Singing holy, holy 

And somehow 

All that matters now is 

You are holy, holy

Missing Noah in pictures...part 4

Missing Noah in pictures...part 3

From September 11, 2007...

Oh, how your momma misses you.

Missing Noah in pictures...part 2

Noah is about 5 days old in these pictures... sleeping on a light bed because of mild jaundice.  More than anything in the world, I want to reach into my computer and scoop him up and hold him...

Words of hope.

COME TO JESUS (by Chris Rice)

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

(Thanks, Kim, for reminding me of this song and sending the lyrics to me... God has used it to remind me of the truths that give me hope.)

Speechless

The UA volleyball team played its first matches this weekend.  Josh's first weekend coaching at the division I level was a good one... the team went 2-1, with a big win over Iowa on Saturday night.

It was also an emotional weekend.  Josh and I were speechless when we discovered that Noah's name has been embroidered on all of the Alabama volleyball jerseys... what a sweet, unexpected tribute to our little Noah man.  

The team also wore blue ribbons on their shoes (and Coach Green on her shirt) in Noah's memory.  We continue to be blessed even in our sadness.

Missing Noah in pictures...part 1

Noah adored his dad.

I adored watching them together.

(You can tell how much Noah loved Josh in these pictures because he has offered Josh his pacifier... I am smiling and crying at the same time just thinking about it.)